Friday, August 20, 2010

Before you make that first cut, remember--
You will find the blood and pain release addictive.
Even though you think you can make a few tiny cuts that aren't deep and will heal easily--
They will get deeper.
They will scar.
They will take sometimes months to heal.
And years for the scars to fade.
If you think you can limit the cutting to one area of your body think again.
It will spread when you run out of skin.
Be prepared to withdraw from others and live in a constant state of shame.
Even if you are the most honest person ever to live--
You will find yourself lying to the people you love.
You will jerk back from your friends when they touch you as if their hands were dipped in poison.
You will be terrified that they will feel something under the cloth of your shirt or because it just plain hurts so much to be touched.
Be prepared to get so out of control you fear your next cut because you don't know how bad it will be.
Just wait for 10 cuts to turn into 100.
Be prepared for your entire life to revolve around thinking about cutting--
Cutting and covering up cutting.
And just wait till that first time you cut "too deep."
And you freak out because the blood won't stop...
And you are gasping...
And you feel yourself shaking all over.
You are having a panic attack and you are terrified but you can`t tell anyone.
So you sit there alone...
Praying it will be okay--
Swearing you'll never let it go this far again...
But you will, and further....
Don't worry, you will learn how to take care of your cuts so that you can go deeper and deeper and avoid the ER.
And the better you get at treating your cuts,
The deeper they get.
You will lie to yourself and justify it when you find yourself spending 20, 30, or 50 dollars every time you go the pharmacy.
You will feel the flutter of your heartbeat every time you go to the counter to ring up your order.
Butterfly strips--
3 or 4 different kinds of dressings...
Betadine...
Antibiotic cream...
Medical tape...
Scar reducers...
You will tap your foot impatiently hoping the line will just move and no one will stare at you or wonder why you need all these things.
And at the same time secretly hope someone will notice--
Someone who is standing in line with an armful of the same supplies.
Someone who understands--
But of course that never happens.
Medical supplies won't be the only thing you spend all your money on.
Be prepared to buy a new wardrobe--
Long sleeve shirts in summer colors, bracelets, wristbands, boots...
The list goes on and on.
You will start looking at everyone in a different way.
Scanning their bodies for any signs of SI.
Just hoping that you might meet someone like you so you don't feel so terribly alone.
You wont even think about it,
As your eyes scan their wrists arms.
Hoping, just hoping they will be like you.
But they are not.
You will see their clean arms and feel terribly ashamed and alone.
You will start doing a lot of things alone.
You will always have to wash your laundry in private so no one sees the blood stains on your clothes and towels.
You will always be cleaning up the blood.
Scrubbing your bathroom floor.
Wiping the blood off your keyboard.
You won't be able to make it through a day without cutting.
Next thing you know you are in a public bathroom somewhere breaking open a scab with a sewing needle that you keep in your wallet for emergencies.
When you get really desperate,
Anything will be a cutting tool...
Scissors...a car key...a needle...a paperclip...even a pen.
Doesn't matter what it is if you need to cut bad enough you will find something.
Say goodbye to things you took for granted.
Like wearing shorts or sandals...pedicures...sleeveless tops.
A normal summer day at the beach or in a swimming pool will become a far off memory for you.
Get ready to itch.
Because you will itch and itch.
So much you will look like you have fleas or a skin disease.
You will become an expert on your body as you destroy it carefully.
You will dream about cutting.
You will dream about being exposed.
It will haunt you day and night and take over your life.
You will wish you never made that first cut because while you absolutely hate cutting--
At the same time you love it and can not live without.
Nothing comes as easy as you.
Can I lay in your bed all day?
I'll be your best kept secret
And your biggest mistake.
posted by Babyypacifierx. on 11:36 PM

Sunday, August 8, 2010

I'll be fine, the flowers are still smelling sweet.
Time continuously goes back, the memories are really beautiful.
I'm thinking of you, thinking of you the whole time.
Deep inside my heart you are becoming a secret.

Don't say you love me and you're thinking of me.
If don't do it like this deep inside you heart, you're simply forcing yourself to do it for the show. If I knew this, it would be difficult for me to bear.
I want you to leave silently, not looking back.
I will understand clearly what you want.
You don't have to force yourself to comfort me, telling me strange reasons.
Up until now I'm still deeply, deeply loving you.
Whether it's romance or friendship it doesn't matter.
That's the happiness in my heart.
I know it's in pain.
Up until now I'm still deeply, deeply loving you.
Whether it's romance or friendship it doesn't matter.
That's the happiness in my heart.
I know it's in pain.

Don't say you love me and you're thinking of me.
If don't do it like this deep inside you heart, you're simply forcing yourself to do it for the show. If I knew this, it would be difficult for me to bear.
I want you to leave silently, not looking back.
I will understand clearly what you want.
You don't have to force yourself to comfort me, telling me strange reasons.
Up until now I'm still deeply, deeply loving you.
Whether it's romance or friendship it doesn't matter.
That's the happiness in my heart.
I know it's in pain.
Up until now I'm still deeply, deeply loving you.
Whether it's romance or friendship it doesn't matter.
That's the happiness in my heart.
I know it's in pain.

I'll be fine, the flowers are still smelling sweet.
Time continuously goes back, the memories are really beautiful.
I'm thinking of you, thinking of you the whole time.
Deep inside my heart you are becoming a secret.
Up until now I'm still deeply, deeply loving you.
Whether it's romance or friendship it doesn't matter.
That's the happiness in my heart.
I know it's in pain.
Up until now I'm still deeply, deeply loving you.
Whether it's romance or friendship it doesn't matter.
That's the happiness in my heart.
I know it's in pain.
I want to give you my blessings from afar.
I know it's in pain.
posted by Babyypacifierx. on 10:55 PM

Saturday, July 17, 2010

I want to be loved, but you dont seem to love me
I wander within that repetition
I found one answer; that even if Im scared, even if Im hurt
I can say I love you to the person who I love

Do you love me? Or not love me?
As for things like that, its already fine either way
No matter how I wish
There are many unchangeable things in this world, right?
Thats right, and because only the fact of my loving you
Is the truth unchangeable by anyone

I want to overcome the thousands of nights and tell it to you
Theres something that I must tell you
I want to be loved, but you dont seem to love me
I wander within that repetition
I found one answer; that even if Im scared
Even if Im hurt, I can say I love you to the person who I love
Its scary to turn my feelings into words
But I can say I love you to the person who I love

In this broad world, I cant express the joy of encountering you with words
So we smile, sing about the vividly passing autumn in do-re-mi
Turn our backs on winter, wait for the sunlight streaming through trees in spring
And become reborn anew, so that we can protect someone

On the path we came from and our destination, when we looked back, Id always have timid eyes
I want to face you, but I cant be honest
I, who repeated days of not being able to straightforwardly love my partner
And hated being alone on that day
Seemed to love people while unwounded

Ill overcome the thousands of nights and go meet you now
There is something that I must tell you
I want to be loved, but you dont seem to love me
I wander within that repetition
I found one answer; that even if Im scared
Even if Im hurt, I can say I love you to the person who I love
Even if those thoughts arent fulfilled, I can say I love you to the person who I love
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Your folded pale wings
are just a little tired from the overly blue sky
You don’t have to force your smile for anyone else
It’s alright to smile only for yourself

Loneliness continues to creep up on me,
a candle alight on the inside
Such a gorgeous chandelier
shouldn’t be at a crowded party, like this one
Why should I bury it all
in the emptiness of words that are lacking?
I don’t know anymore

As long as we can swim freely in our dreams,
we don’t need the sky anymore
Even if I can’t paint over everything
that happened up until yesterday,
I’ll still come out to meet you tomorrow

Your folded pale wings
are just a little tired from the overly blue sky
You don’t have to force your smile for anyone else
It’s alright to smile only for yourself

Inferiority complexes and reconciliations
aren’t things that will come true so easily
The mirror that remains
at the top of self-consciousness reflects flower petals
It looks like my voice is strained
from trying to cry out with an impure love
It’s irritating

In these changing times,
wounds will soon turn into scabs
Without waiting for that to happens,
you’re so beautiful, and so fleeting…

Prayers shiver in the sun,
like traces of down that have come loose
It’s alright to not think about loving someone
as being too much for you right now

Sometimes this world is a little bit too dazzling
to walk looking upward in
When you cast your eyes down,
as though sinking, the dry ground slurps up your tears

Why do we feel so alone anytime?
You don’t have to take on everything
Why do we feel so alone anytime?
Just putting up with it isn’t courage
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The sunflowers believe in the sun even if they are imprisoned by the cloud
behind the silence that cultivating the grief
they’re waiting for the time that apprehending the hope
for example, without including the sadness
do you sing the love?
love that was life-sized

in the space between “human” mankind
I wonder what thing was brought up with its own way
a friendship, an affection
a loneliness, a courage also a dream
at the time when there’s no strategy
to turn those all into words
one song was born
a bare song

undelivered plain “thank you” and
countless “I’m sorry”
only in this place, in order to fulfill the surging hope
let’s make progress without turning our face
hanging in the memories, the farewell isn’t for me
while gazing at the more shining tomorrow
let’s undergo this reality

it’s fine if there’s no such special thing
I only want to be the typical me
in the sunlight, while looking through the worn out words
I want to keep singing proudly
the life doesn’t travel the short-lived dream
I’ve already understood thing such as happiness
the words were starting to run

when we’re on the verge of the tears
we couldn’t turn our real feeling into words as well
without conveying anything, we conceal it with a smile
in this place let’s release all sadness
let’s end the yesterday us here

the fountain of heart that fall silent
the petals of maple are floating
just gazing won’t change anything
let’s start with some beginning
a vacant bird cage is left behind in this place
within the new place, in an unsurprising miracle
if a light was turned on then it’s okay
a so-called existence for the sake of standing and facing anything in life
wasn’t an exaggeration
let’s walk only facing forward
for the sake of getting apart with unnecessary things
as soon as the sweat glitters in our forehead
it’s the day called something we live for
soon close by, our cheek would get wet by the tears of achievement

from somebody’s life
there are merely countless insufficient things
folding our liar’s wings, we walked
while looked up at multicolored sky, but didn’t concern about it
from this place there’s the light
let’s continue living

In the sky the seven colors spread
with the tolerance of afternoon’s blue sky
In the wind’s gathering place
the joy and sadness also runs out its meaning
Entangling the bare heart that has fallen and got polished by lies
big dream, little happiness
your tears don’t make any mistake
don’t be just by yourself since it’s painful
so let’s struggle with everyone
even a person such as me doesn’t abandon the future
in the surrounding roads we’re taught about various things
somehow we’ll rise
it’s fine as the darkness take us
at any rate we’ll run facing tomorrow

to the light’s shining way
to the light’s shining way
keep progressing
keep progressing
it’s fine to be clumsy
it’s fine to be clumsy

those sunflowers bloom wholeheartedly
facing the sun only
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

posted by Babyypacifierx. on 2:00 PM

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

heys , today woke up at one pm . dressed up and and went to hospital with daddy . we had out breakfast /lunch at the food court there . then go the clinic see doctor .after awhile , we went to 313 walk walk. then also go the don't know what hotel's shops there walk walk before heading home. throughout the whole journey in the car i fell asleep . heh . nothing special happen today and also quite boring though . sorry for the short post & yeah , ilovebabyypacifier . x3

i've always walked alone. when i turned around , everyone's far behind . i'm not afraid of anything anymore. i try to whisper to myself . everyone becomes alone someday . they live on only in memories . so i can laugh, loving this foolishness . i will fight , i will show no tears ,

no videos for today . D:

For all sad words of tongue and pen, The saddest are these, 'It might have been'.
posted by Babyypacifierx. on 11:28 PM

it's late now but i can't get into any sleep . i wondered why is it that facing you will hurt so much ? there's so much things that i wanna say , so much things that i wanna shout out loud. but i can't anymore .. i can't . i'm not gonna say anything , i'll just keep quiet from now on . i don't want anybody to know anything about me anymore . i'm tired of being a troublemaker. i'll be someone that everyone would wish to be , to suit that particular someone . to become someone that no one will know anymore . i want to be unknown , i want to be a stranger. no one shall understands me , no one shall know my feelings, no one shall know anything about me . i don't know where is trust. trust has run away from it's home which is me . i'm searching for it . but still i can't find it . i've reported it to the police and they're trying to help me find it. i still can't find so i'm waiting at home for it to come back to me when the time is right. sometimes , things won't be going the same way as what you want it to go and of course some things are better left unsaid. i've tried my best to change , to stop what i'd once did. to change for the better that will suit you. to become a better person for everyone . i will be someone you want me to be , someone who listens to only you, someone that closes their ears and that little gaps for others . i'm forcing yet still trying my best .. i'll make it , please don't worry about me and please , never ask me to speak out what's in my heart. i'll never say because i can't . my emotions and thoughts are all controlled by you and the only thing i can do is obey you .



How should i start, by telling you the truth or lie on you, Running away from my existence or search for my refuge should I tell you about my sin or hide it till it become a virtue, will it happen or I still fly in my Disney world. Don’t ask me why? how? When? I wish I could have those answers for myself. I always though that what happens happen for a reason but now I can say that there is no reason for what happened. Nothing hurt more than when you finally find your home but you’re not eligible to enter it, when you finally find your food and you’re starving but you will get sick if you eat it, when you finally find yourself and your happiness but it is prohibited on you. What made me mad about you that even I barely know you, I feel like you were the lost twin part of myself that I searched for since my existence on the earth. What hurt me more that I need you to hear me, I need you to read my thoughts but it is not my right, I always did things right and I cant understand why now I did it wrong? is that because it was you ?or because it is simply me?



I'm so tired of being here, suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave, I wish that you would just leave
Your presence still lingers here and it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal, this pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me

You used to captivate me by your resonating light
Now, I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away all the sanity in me

These wounds won't seem to heal, this pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me, I've been alone all along

When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me, me, me


My eyes faked my heart .
posted by Babyypacifierx. on 12:44 AM

Monday, June 7, 2010

hmms, hellos. sorry that i had stopped posting for some days . cause my comp has been confiscated by Superman, so no comp to use . ]: *cries* well, today i got back my comp so i'm very happy. hahas, today woke up and superman came to my house . brushed up and changed and we went to sun plaza for breakfast. called Eviltwin but didn't answer . T.T . so we ate mac and then went back to tamp . Superman went to gym and i accompanied him . after that went back to his house to rest. because he was very tored , he fell asleep and i continued watching my anime. after awhile we went out for lunch. he ate chicken rice and i ate fried kuay teow . hahaha. then went back to his house , continue my anime and we sort of chatted for awhile and then he fell asleep again and i went off to interchange take bus. had traffic jam .T.T and felt really hot . was sweating like siao ? then bought drink from seven-eleven and met Eviltwin at the bubbletea shop . return her things and we went walking and chatting before heading home. {: iloveSuperman . ❤

video for the day ? o.o








There are times when I cant decide, whether to see you or not,
I want to see you because I miss you , but there are times when I dont want to see you , because everytime I do, i had this very strange feeling that's making me dumbfounded .
posted by Babyypacifierx. on 10:40 PM

Thursday, June 3, 2010

hello hello . the lady's back . i'm so freaking the tired !! never sleep enough last night. woke up at 8am . prepared and went to tampines . Reached there at ten . bathe, change and rested for a while. after that me and darling went for our breakfast . we ate roti pratas and rojak . nice breakfast horh ? then we went to gym lerh . and i can say , it's damn bloody tired . so we exercised for one and the half hours. went back to his house . bathe and rested again. we watched the tv for a while before going to junction 8 to meet nuer and Sweetheart. so we met in library . darling and i ate our so called ' lunch' and chit chat . later on . me and darling led=ft to Kovan for bowling. after bowling , Derrick send me to the Mrt station and i got separated from them lerh. went back to Sembawang to meet Eviltwin . we went to Causeway point and shop for a while. went walking around and bought some stuffs before heading to the bus interchange and hom-ed . :D. currently having some cramps . :/ pain pain . i wonder if tmr will go find Bkackangel anot . lols. well . byebyee, ilovemybaby!

Video for the day.{:



&

Yesterday's video . hahas.



okays, that's is all for today , got to rest early lerh . ):


Sorrow sank deep inside my blood, and all the ones around me, i care for, and most of all i love. But i can't see myself this way, please don't forget me, or cry now that I'm away.
posted by Babyypacifierx. on 10:38 PM

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

hello peoples! today i woke up late late . and i mean .. damn bloody late . hahas . so went to brush teeth and watched anime. then made maggie and eat . hahas. spend a lot of time thinking whether i should go out or not. umm . sort of got bored and so went to bathe and get ready. went out around 2pm . was listening to songs while messaging Blackangel . took train to Yishun and took bus to tampines . so.. reached there around 3pm . went up to darling's house and chat for a while . 3.30pm , me , darling and darling's friend went to coffee shop and have a drink . then they went to gym lerh , while me sat outside and read newspaper . T.T . so lonely!~ haha. lucky Blackangel accompany me . so i sit for like one hour plus ? then went back darling's house and rested . went to tampines mall for dinner . we ate burgers at burger king . after eating , is like 6 plus ? darling send me to interchange and was separated from darling's friend . took the bus and had traffic jam . ]: reached Yishun and met Eviltwin in Northpoint . We went walking around and chitchat before going back sembawang . bought bubbleteas and went up her house for a while before going home . reached home at 9pm sharp . :/ that's all for today guys . :D . tadaas . ilovemySuperman . ♥

hmm.. something's wrpng with blogger . can't upload anything D: . but nevermind . try again tmr bah . :D


Never look at the past because it will only slow down the future.
posted by Babyypacifierx. on 10:15 PM

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

today's not a good day. shall make it short. had been really moody since yesterday night . somehow feel that today will be a very wrong day . and indeed it's very long . we quarrelled again , to add on yesterdays matter, i think today's won't end so easily . seriously , i'm really tired . tired of all. i need a rest from everything. result's shitty disgusted. not to mention anymore. & no video for today..

her name is like water,
on a hot summer day.
her name is in a melody,
her name is rae.
she sits in her pastel room,
combing through hair the color of grain.
she combs through the tangles,
and winces in pain.
her eyes are turquoise blue,
seeing all but not understanding.
and if you look deep enough,
it's love that they're demanding.
she walks through her school,
arms linked with fake friends.
she smiles, secretly holding back tears,
wanting it all to end.
she's walking home,
while the snow falls down.
her phone rings,
and it's in love that she's drown.
her face turns bright red,
as he says "i love you"
her smile isn't forced,
and she doesn't feel blue.
all that night,
her mind is stirring with him.
she's smiling and feeling good,
until the lights start to dim.
the next day at school,
he stays with her despite his friends.
she's blushing and giggling,
and it's love they begin to bend.
the bell rings,
and everyone leaves for class.
they look around,
alone at last.
she watches the last of them walk away,
and she looks back up to him.
he's leaning down to kiss her lips,
now she can't feel her limbs.
she had first tasted love,
in her own school halls.
by the vending machines,
was the first time she'd lost all.
7 months pass nicely,
and they're so in love.
but people started to talk,
and off came the glove.
rumors spread like a wildfire,
and it broke her heart.
it was obvious he was sick of it,
and they were torn apart.
he doesn't look at her anymore,
because his rep. is trashed.
now, it's her pour heart,
that is in pieces and bashed.
she now sits alone at home,
staring at her white door.
she closes her eyes and cries,
as she remembers her label: a whore.
she's all alone once again,
and her friends have left her side.
it seems her that everything wasn't real,
and this part of her life was lied.
she had never tasted love,
until he walked into her life.
and now she struggles,
with the left over strife.
the saddest part of this story,
is that it's completely true, you see.
however, her name wasn't rae.
for, this girl, she is me.

i keep trying to find myself, but i'm smothered in all these lies. can anyone hear me dying inside?
posted by Babyypacifierx. on 9:48 PM

Monday, May 31, 2010

hello earthlings ! I'm back to my scribbling lesson. ah hah. today's totally a diseaster, because i didn't had enough sleep and was awaken by darling . his timing was perfect. which was around eight twenty five that he had reached my house. so i went to brushed up and bathe, then we had our perfect breakfast at nine. rested awhile and we went out at ten plus perhaps. first thing first , arcadeeeeeeeee~! well , don't wanna mention about it cause we'd lost thirty plus dollars playing arcade. our mood were totally ruined and we went to his grandma's house and rest. we were damn cranky at that time. hahah. after like half an hour, we went back to tampines and sort of had a heart-to-heart talk. well, it's cool .

'You learn to like someone when you find out what makes them laugh, but you can never truly love someone until you find out what makes them cry.'

after that, he sent me to tampines one and we sort of walk walk before going on to seperate ways and i went home . he's probably sleeping now bah .. ignoring me again ..

video for the day ? o.o



hey baby,
i'm utterly sorry for what had happened today alright. i gave you attitude and showed you some temper. hope that you are not angry anymore. sorry that i'm being moody today and ruin your good day. sorry .. hahas.. i can't help but keep on apologising. i seriously hope you wouldn't mind. and hope that the truth i told you about will make you feel better after all these months that we had been together . and sorry that i've been hiding this for so long. i had my own personal reasons for doing so. well, anyway you also know about it so well . hope today's matter we can both let it go alright ? {:

Tears are the silent language of grief.
posted by Babyypacifierx. on 10:07 PM